Voldie Goes to the Bar
by JAHM PRODUCTIONS
Summary: First of the Voldie Chronicles. Lord Voldemort goes to the bar, and insanity insues. Rated T just to be safe. R&R, please.


**Voldie goes to the Bar**

A JAHM Production Story

The doors swung open with a bang as they hit the wall behind him. The only noise that could be heard as he glided towards the bar was the shattering of a glass against the stony floor and his cold voice ordering a vodka and lime.

Lord Voldemort downed the shot in one gulp, and as he slammed the shot glass down on the counter he looked over his shoulder to the silent crowd behind.

"Fascinating," he remarked in a rather cruel, malicious tone and turned back to his shot glass. Noticing it was empty he hissed at the bartender to replace the empty glass with a strong fire whiskey.

Just then, a familiar blond young wizard entered. Upon spotting the Dark Lord, he turned back towards the door to leave. But before he could take a step he was cut off by a sharp voice.

"Draco," Voldemort called him over. Draco sighed, then turned on his heel and strode silently to his master. "I request Bellatrix's presence." Draco nodded curtly with a confused look on his face and promptly left.

***

Looking down at the numerous empty beer glasses, he said, "Hmm, they look like a unicorn," while chuckling drunkenly. "I like unicorns. Bartender," he said slurring, "Get me something with –hic- bubbles... yes, bubbles that go POP!"

"I'm gonna have to cut you off, sir." The bartender replied.

"Cut me off? Why? I drunk I'm not swear... Abra Kadabra!" He pointed his wand at the bartender. "Abra Kadabra! Abra-! Oh never mind..."

Lord Voldemort rose abruptly from his barstool and began to walk around the room, staggering around and bumping into tables. "Do you know who I am? He began to shout, still slurring. "Do you know who –hic- who I am? I am the most powerful, the most dangerous wizard of this century." The mighty Dark Lord grabbed a margarita from a young witch sitting nearby and finished it in two gulps. "I am amazing and awesome. I am cooler than a grindelow, more pretty than a unicorn..." His voice grew quiet.

"And let's not forget humble," a short squat man remarked from behind him.

"You!" Voldemort shouted as he whipped around to face the speaker, "are absolutely right! Don't you agree?!"

He stood up on the table next to him and began to shout once more.

"I AM LORD FLABBERWART! AND I WANT YOU-"He fell from the table, but stood up once more to continue his speech, "TO JOIN THE METH EATERS! We shall have glory! Power! Chocolate chip cookies!"

As he calmed down and sat back down at his stool he began to contemplate life questions like "What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about? Why can't penguins fly, it's just not fair... and how come the police NEVER find it as funny as you do?"

Draco Malfoy then apparated at the Dark Lord's side, holding a box.

"My lord? I have Bellatrix's present for you." Unfortunately, poor Draco had misheard Voldemort's request earlier and thought that the Dark Lord had required a gift from Bellatrix, rather than the joy of her company. Fortunately for him, the 'almighty' Voldemort was too drunk to care.

"Present? EXCELLENT!" He exclaimed as he snatched the box from Draco's hands and proceeded to tear it open, revealing a shiny new karaoke machine. He grabbed a microphone and proceeded to sing a pitchy rendition of _Oops I did it Again_ by Britney Spears.

_Oops, I did it again_

_I played with your tart_

_Got lost in the pie_

_Oh baby, baby..._

_Oops, you baked me a cake_

_Got lost in the iiiiiciiiinnggg..._

He trailed off, then moved on to what seemed to be a parody of _American Idiot_ by Green Day.

_Don't wanna be a Death Eater idiot_

_Don't wanna be a wand wavin' black-clad wuss..._

He continued to jumble lyrics with the Katy Perry hit, _I Kissed a Girl._

I kissed a broom, and I liked it

Hope my poor wand don't mind it...

Slightly worn out he sat down and drifted into a pathetic tribute to _Happy Birthday_, before promptly passing out.

Boy, did he have a hang over the next morning. And believe me, a hung over Voldemort is NOT a fun Voldemort.

_~JAHM Productions, because we (don't) care._


End file.
